


The Hamster Strikes Back

by mrv3000



Series: The Dark and Stormies [2]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-02-12
Updated: 2003-02-12
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:04:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrv3000/pseuds/mrv3000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cracky sequel to "It was a Dark and Stormy Night..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hamster Strikes Back

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with josephides. Chock full of fannish in-jokes.

Jack walked down the hallway whistling a happy tune. Thanks to the providential letter from the Prez, he and Carter were currently reveling in wedded bliss, she had given birth to triplets in a very dramatic, but essentially painless fashion (well, he wasn't _completely_ sure about the painless part - that was more her deal) and they both got to stay on SG-1. Frankly, life _without_ SG-1 was not a life. Well, not an interesting one at least.

Everything was perfect.

Too perfect...

Jack rounded the corner right into a scene involving SG-1's 4th/5th member, DJ and a nurse. Should they actually be doing that in the hallway?! Jack turned his head to the side. Interesting! Jack watched, mentally taking notes, until he realized that standing there gaping wouldn't look all that great on the security tapes. He _really_ didn't want to make it into the SF's annual "outtakes" reel again.

He quickly turned, and in a huge miscalculation involving depth-perception, he hit the wall. And blacked out.

*

Sam, who'd just finished watching the triplets bathe, dress and put themselves to bed, was in the kitchen whipping up a delicious meal for her husband when the doorbell rang.

Shoving the soufflé into the oven, she ran to get it and was surprised to see Janet was there. "Jan! Hi!"

"Hi, Sam. How are the triplets?"

"Perfect in every conceivable way," Sam said, smiling, her eyes twinkling like twinkle twinkle little stars.

"That's great!" Her smile abruptly turned serious. "Unfortunately, Jack had a little accident at work today."

"What? Is he all right?" she asked, not terribly concerned. Jack was always going to be all right.

"Well, he has... he has amnesia Sam. But it's a strange kind of amnesia. Selective. He... selectively... can't remember your marriage. Or the triplets."

Melodramatically, Sam felt her whole world fall away. "Oh, Jan," she said, her bluer than blue eyes filling with delicate and ladylike tears. "How dreadful. What miracle are you going to perform to make everything right again?"

"I thought I'd just move him back in with you and the triplets and see what happened actually. One of the SG teams - God, I can't remember which one, there are so many of the unimportant little buggers - has come back and they're all lounging about my infirmary in an extremely messy way." Janet sighed as if the whole world rested on her shoulders. "NID is insisting that I do some kind of fair.. work... equal... something so I'm under observation. I really can't spend too much time solving the problems of SG-1, no matter how much I want to. Colonel!"

Jack appeared from out of nowhere. He looked at Sam, a frown marring his boyish handsome, rugged and soulful face. "Carter? Why are you wearing my shirt?"

Sam looked at the one true love of her life, shocked at what he had said. Well, maybe not at what he said... because actually he said that to her quite a lot. What could she say? She really liked his shirts. Especially that yellow one. And she was positive that he was only _feigning_ annoyance whenever he would say it. But she was shocked at something, dammit!

"Well, I'll leave you two to work things out."

"Wait Jan," Sam, freaked out at the thought of actually having to explain something to Jack O'Neill, stopped her friend. "Why didn't you just tell him about us?"

"And be obvious?" Janet snorted. "Oh, by the way, we're still on for our double date on Friday night, aren't we?"

Sam beamed. "Wouldn't miss it for the world!" After all, Jack was sure to be back to normal by then.

Jack watched Janet walk to her car, his mind conveniently blocking out the conversation that had just happened in front of him. "Thanks, Fraiser!" he called out after her, although he didn't know why he was thanking her. He always thought it best to be on her good side.

She stopped. "Actually, it's Jackson-Quinn now!"

Jack shuddered. How could he have forgotten? Images from that bachelor party had forever scorched his mind. Not even in his Academy days had there been so much... Jack shuddered again. He turned to his 2IC.

They stared soulfully at each other in an awkward kind of way, although Jack was more soulfully confused. He knew why he was staring at her soulfully, and why she was staring soulfully back at him, but he just didn't know why she was staring soulfully from inside his house.

Just then a timer dinged in the kitchen and Sam scampered after it. After all, a husband with amnesia was one thing, but a fallen soufflé was tragic.

Sam pulled it out of the oven just at the right time. Another perfect one! She set it down next to the Brie en Croute, Coq au Vin and Artichoke Hearts au Gratin, and quickly pulled out the bottle of chilling wine, so as not to over-chill it. Also, it needed to breathe. She set a mental timer, reminding herself of when the Baked Alaska needed to be put in the oven.

Sam stopped to listen to her baby monitor and sighed. Nothing but the sound of angelic breathing could be heard. They had slept through the night from day one so she didn't know why she actually had the monitor. Sam never realized that motherhood was so relaxing! And she couldn't believe the amount of maternity leave she was getting - it was basically all free time!

Hmmm...oh yeah - she had left her husband standing in the doorway. Sam frowned, fearing that perhaps his selective amnesia would somehow cut into the amount of non-stop sex they were having.

*

Back at base, DJ stood in front of the board with a pen in hand and an audience of approximately fifty SGC members behind him. "Right, okay now, pay attention. If I bet Ferreti $20 that Sam and the Colonel would get together before Christmas... and he bet Teal'c $50 that Sam and the Colonel would get together without either resigning or transferring... and then Daniel, I mean, I, bet Lieutenant Rush that Teal'c would bet with Janet that... Wait, I've lost it again. Let's start over."

Behind him, the audience was getting restless. They had, after all, been waiting to collect their bet money ever since Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter had gotten married. The problem was that it was proving to be the biggest mathematical equation since... since... since Major Carter had tried to break down wormhole physics into easy bite size chunks for W.

Since they couldn't actually get Major Carter to sort out who owed whom, Feretti - a handy plot device - had decided the next best thing would be DJ. Feretti figured the combined IQ of Daniel Jackson and Jonas Quinn would mean the equation would be quickly solved.

That was not the case, however.

It was tragically ironic, Feretti thought, as he sat in the front row tapping his fingers on his leg, that the only person who could solve this was Major Carter. Obviously, they couldn't ask her. For one, she would probably kill them all for betting huge sums of money on them (seriously - Senator Kinsey had placed a small fortune on them getting together whilst they were still on SG-1). For another, she was on maternity leave. And God only knew how long she would be on maternity leave for. As far as Feretti could see, Carter could pretty much do what she wanted when she wanted and for however long she wanted.

Yeah. Sure. There were no perks to being on SG-1.

Suddenly, the door burst open. Dr Fraiser-Jackson-Quinn stood there, panting. "You'll never guess what happened!"

Feretti raised his hand. "Has Colonel O'Neill got amnesia?"

"Is it selective?" someone else called out.

"Has he no idea that he is married to Major Carter?" one of the nurses chirped, earning her a wink from DJ.

Simmons piped up, "Or that he has triplets?"

Janet was looking pissed. "You heard already?"

No one answered. There was, in fact, silence in the room, broken only by the sound of DJ's brain ticking. Loudly.

Then, suddenly, McKay - who was just hanging around for no reason other than to flirt shamelessly with Major Carter (when she made it in, and provide a reason for Colonel O'Neill to get jealous) - stood up. "$50 says that O'Neill and Major Carter have sex before his memory has returned."

"I'll take that bet!"

Janet sighed as the new bets began to be shouted out and glanced at the board where her husband was trying to figure out the previous bets. No one took their work seriously any more.

*

Sam had quickly ushered Jack to the kitchen table where she demanded they start eating. That soufflé was _not_ going to fall on her watch! She filled him in on the basics, while making sure everything was served at exactly the right temperature. He seemed to take it in stride, probably because he had experienced amnesia so many times before, and surprisingly enough, remembered that fact.

Somewhere between the fourth and fifth course, Sam started fidgeting. She shifted in her seat while tapping her foot and drumming her fingers on the table. This was the longest they had ever gone without sex since they had gotten married, and it was beginning to make her a bit peckish.

"So, how long have we been having sex?"

"Huh?" Sam's eyes shot up, somewhat surprised at his blatancy.

"I said, how long have we been married?"

"Oh." Sam attempted to focus. "I don't remember. A while."

"I'm pretty good in the sack, aren't I?"

"What did you say?"

"I said, we decided to live in my house."

Wow. That hadn't even been close. "Yeah, I was just renting."

"Do you want to play with my yo-yo?"

"What?!"

"Uh...do you want to play with my yo-yo?" Jack asked again as he handed her his small plastic toy.

Sam stared mournfully at the wrong yo-yo, twiddling it unsatisfyingly between her fingers before plunking it on the table. "So...wanna have sex?"

"YES! Wait. I mean...well, I don't know what I mean. Carter, what ever happened to regulations?"

"Letter from the Prez."

"Damn. Just lost fifty bucks." Fortunately for Jack, Sam was currently distracted. "Carter, doesn't it bother you that I can't remember us?"

Sam considered the moral implications of sleeping with a man who had selective amnesia for .000000458th of a second before shrugging it off. "I'm okay with it if you are," she said as she roughly grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the table.

Jack, somewhat nervous about the prospect of _finally_ sleeping with his 2IC, felt the need to speak in a lame and unnecessary attempt at seduction.

"You know, _Samantha_ , you really looked good in that blue dress you got from the Shavadai."

Sam dragged him through the doorway. "Uh huh. Really showed off my boobs."

He tried again. "So...how about those Tok'ra? They can have kids without a man friend...it's why they take hosts."

"Yeah, yeah. Asexual reproduction's a bitch," Sam muttered as she pulled him up the stairs.

"So...maybe you wanna go fishing?"

Sam pushed him onto the bed. "What do you think we're doing?!"

*

Janet looked up from sewing an SG-1 patch onto her lab coat and wrinkled her nose slightly.

Strange.

She could have sworn that...

Janet frowned.

But it had only been a little over an hour since she had dropped him off!

No, inasmuch as she was SG-1's doctor and therefore all-knowing, she was certain. No doubt about it.

Jack and Sam were having sex.

Janet sprinted down the hallways as fast as her little legs could take her. She ran breathless into DJ's lab where she found him, surprisingly enough, studying an artifact and nurseless.

"Honey, how much money do we have in the savings account?"

*

Thera woke up.

Something was wrong.

Something was... very wrong.

Something was...

Her clothes!

Jumping off the sumptuous bed, Thera looked down at what she was wearing. Where were her beautiful orange clothes? What was this... this... ugly strappy blue top and strangely slinky pair of sky blue shorts? Obviously, she didn't know what 'sky' was, because she'd never seen the sky. It was just an expression. Right?

Whatever these things were, they were hideous and did nothing for her coloring. Everyone knew greasy-haired blondes looked better in orange.

Oh... oh no!

Her hands went to her hair, which was smooth and silky under her fingers.

It was clean!

The horror!

"Carter?"

A shape loomed out of the darkness and she yelped thinking, for a horrible moment, that it was Kalan and his unnecessarily and surprisingly huge biceps. He'd been pinching her butt in the food queue again and she was getting really pissed.

"Carter? What the hell's wrong?"

Suddenly, a light turned on and Thera's heart rate lowered as the man's face came into view. "Oh, Jonah, it's you," she said with relief. Though, he too wasn't wearing normal clothes. She especially missed the lovely tight hat.

Jonah blinked at her. "Oh.... shit."

"What does 'shit' mean?"

Jonah seemed to panic. He scrambled out of bed, the sheets tangled around his legs. For one moment, he stood upright, then - arms waving in the air, mouth open - he fell backwards.

"Jonah!" Thera yelled, running around the large bed to where her 'friend' was lying.

He moaned and rubbed his hand across his (clean) face. When he opened his eyes, he blinked a couple of times. "Thera?" he said.

 

*

General Hammond ran to the control room at the sound of the klaxons. "Report, Chevron Guy."

"Sir, we have an incoming wormhole and are not receiving an IDC."

"Close the iris," Hammond ordered, even though it was already closed. Habit, really.

Suddenly the iris opened.

"I'm sorry, Sir. I have no control!"

They watched as a lone, hooded figure stepped through the gate and proceeded down the ramp. The SFs raised their weapons, the newer among them involuntarily trembling. The figure paused for a moment then let loose a piercing shriek that filled the levels of the SGC. Lightning bolts shot out from the creature's hands decimating all in their path. With a loud crack of electricity the SFs slumped to the floor, the smell of ozone beginning to seep through to the control room.

The figure reached up and pulled back its hood.

Hammond stared directly at it, seeing the mergence of Man's despair and desperation reflected in its eyes. Truly this was the heart of darkness. Until this moment, Hammond had really never known evil.

Finally it spoke, its icy words enough to pierce a man's soul.

"Fair day."

*

Cassie rang the doorbell for the third time and looked at her watch. Where were they? She was sure it was today that she was supposed to pick up the triplets and take them for an extended visit to Mark's house in San Diego. She pushed open the mail slot in the door.

"Hello!" she yelled in a sing-songy, young-adult kind of way through the opening.

She heard scuffling before a pair of eyes appeared through the slot.

They blinked at her. "Uh, hello?"

"Oh, hey Jack. I'm here for the triplets."

His eyes disappeared. She heard some strained whispering before he finally came back.

"Did Brenna send you?"

*

"I knew it!" Janet hissed as they studied the creature through the window on the isolation room.

"Knew what?" DJ asked, finding himself transfixed on the creature inside. He couldn't _believe_ the Colonel had slept with that. No, really. It was just... too horrible to imagine.

"That she was the spawn of Satan! There's an equation, you know."

((((L+A)*I)/(R-A)) * 100) + (-E+(D/O)-(R*A)) = 666

"Rounding up, of course," she added. "Sam had it as her screensaver for a while."

DJ sighed. Not more equations.

"Just be glad she didn't get pregnant," Janet whispered.

DJ's mouth(s) dropped open. "No way!"

"That's what Sam told me. In confidence," she added.

"Who else have you told?"

"Um... everyone." Janet turned her eye back on the creature inside, trying to decide if she could take Laira down with her needle.

Nah. Laira was just _too_ powerful.

*

The strange blond woman had taken three angelic, smiling, cooing, and perfectly content infants with her. Ones they hadn't even known were in the building. They tried asking her what kind of building this was, but she only muttered 'frick'n weird,' 'Earthlings' and 'sex games' as she left. So, she had been no help and their location was still a mystery.

Fortunately, Thera was able to find a way to cover up most of the places in the walls where a blinding light shown through. Everything here was so confusing, but at least they were together.

They wandered through the various areas, trying to get their bearings. A large room with mechanical-looking things seemed to make Thera very excited, so Jonah decided they would stay there a while. He pushed a lever on a large machine that was humming slightly. It shot water out at him. Well, at least they had found a drinking supply. He pushed the lever next to it and jumped back as it spit something different out.

Thera gasped.

Jonah quickly kicked it away. He knew ice when he saw it.

Other, smaller machines lined the shelves. Thera picked up a rectangular object, pushing on a lever. This one didn't seem to spit ice. She played with it a while, then turned around, smiling at Jonah.

Jonah watched with wonder, awe and amazement as Thera stood with the metal object in her hands. Whatever it had been, now it was a handy space heater.

Thera was _so_ amazing. She knew everything! He licked his palm and tried to smooth out his boyishly-messy hair. Would she notice? He wished he could do something to impress her. But what? Push something? Pull something? Hit something really, really hard? Maybe he'd get lucky and a pipe would burst. Although there didn't seem to be any pipes around.

One thing was for certain, he was going to try and move his cot closer to her cot tonight.

She turned the space heater upside down suddenly and shook. A load of crumbs fell out. "Look!" she exclaimed. "Food!"

"Cool," Jonah murmured, licking a finger and applying it to the crumbs on the strange surface.

Thera followed the black rope thing towards the wall, her beautiful blue eyes curiously studying the panel on the wall. "I think... I think this much be some kind of a power source."

"Yeah?" These crumbs weren't particularly appetizing, Jonah thought, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

"I wonder what would happen if I...."

The heat turned off.

"Why did you do that?" Jonah asked, holding his hand over the gaps on top of the space heater as the heat died away.

"Just... because I wanted to." She opened her eyes wider at him and batted her incredibly long but strangely dark eyelashes at him.

Jonah smiled goofily at her.

*

Over at the SGC, in the backest back corner of the deepest darkest underground space, in a room behind a door with a large sign that read "If you hear loud intermittent buzzing coming from this door, notify your supervisor immediately," a space that was in fact the storage room for everything the SGC was ordered to destroy but hadn't quite gotten to yet, something moved. And then something else moved. And then there was a whole _lot_ of movement. A flash of light filled the room and suddenly two figures appeared. Figures which looked exactly like Jack O'Neill and Samantha Carter.

Only they both had goatees.

*

Hammond walked towards his CMO and 2/5ths of SG-1. "Is it...she...it sufficiently contained?"

"Yes, Sir," Janet replied.

"Good work, Doctor. May I ask how you were able to get her into an isolation cell?"

Janet and DJ looked at each other, both slightly embarrassed about the gaping plot hole.

"Erm, Teal'c did...something."

Out of nowhere, Teal'c appeared, pleased (stoically) that he had, if not been given a line, at least finally been mentioned. He opened his mouth in what was sure to be an "indeed" but Hammond was quicker.

"Thank you, Teal'c."

Teal'c nodded.

The phone on the wall rang, conveniently ensuring that Hammond had something to do besides stand there and look fatherly. "Hammond," he said.

"Sir, this is your secretary calling. You told me to remind you about Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter."

Excellent! "Yes, thank you so much." He hung up and hurried back to Janet who had her nose pressed to the window (DJ had fetched her a footstool). Teal'c and DJ were standing in the background, discussing their favorite ice cream flavors. The discussion was getting quite heated because Daniel's favorite flavor was different to Jonas's and Teal'c was - evilly - suggesting that one person couldn't have _two_ favorite flavors.

In fact, Hammond had a suspicion that Teal'c was enjoying winding DJ up. A least, judging from his smug smile he was...

Focus Hammond!

Ignoring the aliens, he turned to Dr Fraiser. "Do you know any more about Colonel O'Neill and his situation?"

Janet peeled her face away from the window and blinked at him. "You know, I don't, sir. I've been so distracted with the arrival of Laira that I completely forgot! That's so unlike me!" she exclaimed, really quite worried. SG-1 was _everything_ to her after all.

Hammond nodded. Actually, he'd forgotten too. He had written it down on his hand at one point - O'NEILL? – but then he'd washed his hands after he'd spilt his favorite chicken noodle soup on his desk and it had washed off. "Perhaps we'd better...."

Suddenly, the klaxons started to do their thing.

"AH.... THIS IS... UM... NOT AN UNAUTHORISED OFFWORLD ACTIVATION," Chevron guy said across the PA system, "THERE'S SOMETHING VERY WRONG DOWN IN THE BACKEST BACK CORNER OF THE DEEPEST DARKEST UNDERGROUND SPACE. THERE'S THIS LOUD INTERMITTENT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM BEHIND ONE OF THE DOORS." He cleared his throat. This was the longest line he'd _ever_ had and he wanted to make the most of it. "I JUST THOUGHT YOU OUGHTA KNOW."

Everyone gasped.

DJ gasped twice (one for Daniel, one for Jonas).

"Wow," DJ said, "what could that possibly be? I mean, the only thing we keep in the deepest darkest corner of the SGC is...."

"Crap," Hammond said, closing his eyes. Laira was here, of course the AU mirror would activate as well. After all, those were the only two clichés missing from the previous er... never mind.

Dammit.

They ran off, leaving Laira cackling evilly in her room.

And conveniently forgot all about Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter.

*

"You know, they aren't necessarily evil," DJ said sanctimoniously as the three of them peered into yet another room where Evil!Sam and Evil!Jack were housed.

Teal'c had, er, put them in there. Yeah. That's right. Teal'c. And Junior, of course.

"DJ, they have _goatees_ ," Janet said as if this was proof of their Evil!ness.

DJ's face flickered. He was pissed. Janet bit her lip. Or maybe he was just concerned. Perhaps... sad? Dammit, she just couldn't tell looking at him.

"I'm sorry, Janet, but you can't accuse them of Evil!ness just because they have facial hair."

"Do any of us have facial hair?" Hammond demanded.

The three of them looked at Teal'c, recalling the monstrous 'thing' he had on his chin at some stage during season... during the past.

Teal'c raised his head proudly. "That was an experiment. I am so over the facial hair," he said.

Stoically.

"I do believe that they are Evil!, however," Teal'c added.

DJ crossed his arms over his chest. "You just don't get it! You couldn't be more wrong!" DJ started stomping his foot.

Suddenly, with his foot raised in mid stomp he slumped over, revealing a diminutive Janet Fraiser-Jackson-Quinn behind him holding a plunged needle.

" _Thank you,_ Doctor."

"No problem, Sir. You'd actually be surprised how much of this stuff I go through at home. 'The mold in the fridge is a sentient life form!' 'The neighbor kids have feelings!' 'I wanna watch the History Channel!'" She glared at DJ. With love, of course.

Hammond turned away from the domestic scene thanking his lucky stars that SG-1 had decided to couple up.

He eyed Teal'c thoughtfully.

Now, his niece Lisa would be just _perfect_ for Teal'c.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. His finely honed Jaffa senses told him that GeneralHammond was considering fixing him up with his niece yet again. If only she wasn't the spitting image of her uncle. As they used to say on Chulak: "Hell, no!"

*

Jonah's eyes followed Thera as she systematically moved from one object to the other. It was exhausting just watching her. Which gave him an idea.

"Thera, why don't you sit down and relax for a while?"

"Maybe later."

But Jonah's shoulder was all primed for a little bit of head lean'n and he wasn't about to give up.

"Come on. Take a break. You know, maybe even lean your head against, uh, something." He sat down on the floor against the wall and patted the space beside him.

"Well," she grinned, which made her blue eyes appear to be even bluer than the bluest blue, "maybe for a bit."

Ecstatic, Jonah fluffed up the fabric on his sleeve and shifted his shoulder back and forth trying to decide what would be the most appealing, before settling on a slight gap between him and the wall.

She sat down close to him. "Thanks for the suggestion."

"Anytime," he tried to say nonchalantly, but failed.

Thera sighed...

Jonah held his shoulder perfectly still, giddy with anticipation.

...and leaned her head back against the wall.

Dammit.

*

The agreed-upon (generally) "Evil!"Jack and "Evil!"Sam sat in the briefing room. Filled with about fifty SGC personnel.

"Okay, everyone but main characters out!" Hammond ordered.

As the phrase 'bet you real Jack or Sam sleeps with Evil!Jack or Evil!Sam,' spoken by one of the last few people leaving the room was overheard, DJ started banging his head against the table. Janet frowned at him and made a stabbing motion, which he picked up on and settled down.

"Now then..."

"General, if I may," DJ interrupted and continued without even glancing at Hammond, "I believe the question that's on all our minds is, 'how long have you two been married?'"

"Well," Evil!Jack began, "I've been married for five years and Sam here has been married for three."

Confused silence descended upon the room.

Finally Hammond spoke. "Now I know I'm no rocket scientist, but how's that possible?"

"I got married in 1998 and Sam got married in 2000, right?" He looked at her and got a nod.

Everyone stared blankly at them.

"You mean you got married in 1998 and then renewed your vows in 2000. Right?" Janet asked, trying not to wonder why Evil!Janet in their dimension hadn't told Evil!Sam that the goatee look was just not working.

"No," said Evil!Sam. "You all seem to think...we're not married to each other."

Even Teal'c gasped.

Hammond swiftly rose from his chair. "My God, people! This is just too horrible to imagine!" He glared at DJ. "And you thought they weren't evil!"

DJ's face had drained of its color. "I'm sorry, General. I was wrong. So very, very wrong."

"I need recommendations, and I need them now!"

The color quickly returned to DJ's face, along with a smarmy grin. "We could let Evil!Sam and Evil!Laira...I mean, Laira fight. I could maybe get some jello or something. As a snack," he quickly added upon more pantomimed needle stabbing from his wife.

Teal'c rose an eyebrow. "Perhaps even a battle to the death."

"Why?" asked Hammond.

"I believe it would be entertaining."

"Agreed."

DJ's happy grin dissolved into weeping as a voice in the distance yelled out, "Fifty bucks on Evil!Sam!"

*

"These people are seriously weird," Evil!Sam murmured to Evil!Jack.

"No shit," Evil!Jack replied.

For Evil!Jack could swear. With ease. He didn't have to worry about watersheds because Evil!Stargate aired really late in their reality.

Both of them watched as DJ managed the Jell-O being carried down the corridor. Evil!Sam checked her watch. "You know, if they don't get a move on we'll be facing entrophic cascade whatever," she sighed impatiently, reaching up to stroke her Evil!Goatee. Evilly.

Because, just as Teal'c was stoic, they were evil.

"Why the hell did they seem to think we were married anyway?" Evil!Jack asked, eyeing up Janet Fraiser.

For he was married to Janet Fraiser in the other reality.

Only she had a goatee too.

"I have no idea." She glared at DJ. "Have you noticed something odd about Daniel? I mean... he'd got different colored eyes and this funny sort of glowiness about him."

"And no glasses."

"Oh yeah!"

"Hey, you're married to him. You should be more observant."

"He doesn't wear his glasses at home," Evil!Sam said, sniffily. "He actually only wears them to work so he fits in with all the other scientists."

Evil!Jack blinked. And stroked his goatee. "Weird."

Evil!Sam shrugged. "You know Evil!D... I mean, Daniel."

"Yeah."

"You know, Daniel... or whoever he is... kinda reminds me of that guy... you know... the one who was exiled from his planet and now lives in the basement with all the stuff we don't know where to file."

"The guy with the _really_ tight T-shirts?"

"Yeah!"

Evil!Jack shrugged. "I don't know his name. J... something. John. No, that's me. Jonas?" he said with sudden inspiration.

"No! That was the guy I was engaged to!" Evil!Sam laughed heartily. "And Jonas is a pretty rare name. What would be the chance of knowing two people called exactly the same thing - and one an alien as well!"

They laughed (evilly) together.

"Um, I swear it was... nah. How about.... Simmons?"

"No, we already have two of those."

"Davis?"

"Ditto."

"Hmm."

Hmm indeed.

*

"Wow. That is so... cool."

Thera looked at him sharply. "Cool?" she repeated. She put her hand into the strange stream of water. "It's actually quite warm."

"Oh. No. I think... I think it's an expression. Isn't it?"

She shrugged. He said a lot of weird things. She found it kinda endearing. "I think this... this... water thing is decorative," she said.

"Really?"

No. Actually, she thought the wall was leaking through that strange fixture but that would only upset him.

"How did it start?" Jonah asked, staring at it with a rapt expression.

Thera cleared her throat. Actually, she knew it was something she'd done but she couldn't remember what. So if they drowned, it would probably be her fault.

Maybe she'd just keep that little bit of information away from him.

"Hey, look, it's going out of the bit in the bottom," he said, pointing  
down.

Thera looked down. "A drain!" she said with some assurance.

"Yeah. A drain."

They sighed. Something familiar, at last.

"Maybe if we leave it alone," Jonah suggested, putting an arm about her shoulder, "It will stop."

No way, Thera thought guiltily. "Sure. That's a good idea."

They walked out of the tiled room into the room with the huge bed. It looked very uncomfortable to Thera and Jonah, which was why they'd set up their cots on the floor. Though, Thera thought, frowning slightly, their cot had got closer and closer together since their first night here.

This morning she'd even woken up next to him, spooned together in a sign of their unconscious need to be close together.

He must move around a lot in his sleep, Thera decided.

"Time for bed, I think," Jonah announced suddenly, yawning dramatically.

Thera wasn't particularly tired. In fact, it didn't seem very long since they'd last slept. Still, Jonah had to be right. After all, he'd been a foreman in the mines once.

*

In San Diego, Mark and his wife watched the triplets put themselves to bed with amazement.

"They're just so amazing," Mark's wife whispered to her husband, who had brown/black hair.

Mark put his arm around his wife's shoulders. "I know. Well, what could you expect? They're Sam's."

"I love Sam."

"Yeah. It's a pity we don't see much of her."

"Yeah. Such a pity. And your father, of course."

"Dad. Yeah. I miss Dad. Of course, I hate the military."

"Of course. Because of your mother." She patted his back comfortingly. "I understand. I'm so pleased you were able to overcome your hatred of the military in forming such a strong bond with Jack."

Mark smiled, proudly. "Jack's a great guy. Not too old for Sam, either. And he is, after all, extremely cool."

"That he is."

The triplets gurgled 'goodnight' to their aunt and uncle - though they were extremely smart, they couldn't talk. They were only a few months old.

Mark's wife, whose name was....

"Mom! Dad!" one of their children called.

"Coming!"

*

No sooner had Thera laid down on her cot (fortunately they had actually found cots in a dark, lower level of the building), than she felt Jonah's arms go around her as he moved close behind her.

Then his foot went over her foot. And his foot started rubbing her foot.

Thera almost got misty. He was so obviously trying to keep her warm. What a great guy! He was so noble! Heroic, even.

If only she didn't want to jump him.

If, in fact, that was the correct phrase. She wasn't sure, but it seemed like the right term to use.

Thera felt one of his hands move and start to rub her back. She had to admit, it did make her feel warmer.

But she was finding it harder and harder to control herself, and she really couldn't handle the look of disappointment and hurt on his face if she gave in. Just how shocked would he be at her for thinking the way she did? Thera really didn't want to find out. Well, she better remove herself from the situation before she did anything embarrassing.

She rolled over, which was actually quite hard considering the vice grip he had on her. To keep her warm.

So noble!

Well, maybe she would allow herself one small, tiny indulgence.

"Thanks for being here with me." She gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Jonah moved one of his hands to his cheek and she used that opportunity to get up. She hadn't gotten two steps out the door when she could plainly hear his voice.

"Damn. Damn. Damn!"

Thera felt a pang of sadness. He so obviously wanted to keep her warm. She sighed. He must have been a really great foreman.

*

Janet eyed the Jell-O disapprovingly; however, DJ had skirted her disapproval yet again by claiming "it's how we did it on Kelowna." If half of what he said was true, then Kelowna was, in her opinion, the most ass-backwards planet in the galaxy. Seriously. No one planet could be that screwed up.

Although, there was that one thing he did with his... She was sure that little move hadn't originated anywhere on Earth.

But even _if_ the Jell-O thing was true (Jell-O had to be a universal constant after all), they were doing it wrong. "Uh, guys? I think you actually have to make it and refrigerate it first."

DJ and Teal'c stopped pouring powder and water into the makeshift tub/ring they had set up in the gate room.

"Aw hell, are you sure?"

"Pretty sure."

"Teal'c, you'd know. Didn't you and Jack go out to watch Jell-O wrestling? You know, that one time when you called me and I told you to get bent?"

"I believe your exact words were, fu..."

" _Thank you!_ I remember now. _Anyway_ haven't you seen Jell-O wrestling before?"

"O'Neill had promised this outing; however, we in fact went back to his place where I had the pleasure of watching him become excessively inebriated. He was most pissy about MajorCarter that night."

A group of people wandered in and began to gather around Teal'c.

"I attempted to talk him down by using the Earth phrases, 'she's not good enough for you, man,' and, 'dude - there's more fish in the sea.'

Everyone stood in rapt attention. There wasn't an eye that wasn't turned toward Teal'c. "What'd he say?" someone yelled as Chevron Guy leaned over to flip on the PA pickup in the gate room.

Teal'c, most pleased, surveyed the crowd. Not even when his symbiote had almost died, one of the times (Wait. Did he even have a symbiote anymore? He hadn't checked in a while and wasn't completely sure), had he received so much attention.

"His exact words were," Teal'c did his best impression of his team leader. "'But I love her, man! I mean, she can take down a cadre of Jaffa, field strip a P90 in five seconds and makes the best damn soufflé you've ever tasted. What more could a guy ask for?'"

The group (mostly men) nodded and shrugged their shoulders. After all, what more _could_ a guy ask for?

"We even returned to MajorCarter's house later that evening where O'Neill spent an hour and a half crying in the bushes. Like a little girl." Teal'c rose an eyebrow.

"Damn, that Jack sounds like a complete..." Evil!Jack started to say as he and Evil!Sam, using the distraction, slipped back to the mirror.

Suddenly he stopped. What was happening to him? He was starting to have very unprofessional and highly inappropriate feelings for his CO. It must be this place!

He turned to Evil!SG-1's team leader. "Sam? Can we get out of here now?"

"Yeah, you know, I can't even remember why we came here in the first place," she said, using one hand to touch the mirror and the other to stroke her goatee.

*

Jonah was feeling pretty frustrated. Thera was happily playing away in the room with all the strange machines and didn't seem inclined to play with his interesting bits. Though she'd taken to kissing him on the cheek a lot recently, things weren't really moving the way he wanted them to.

And it wasn't as if he had anything to take his mind off the lack of sex he was getting. As a foreman, he was pretty sure he got laid a lot. He had a distant memory of some scary women in his past. A brown haired woman. Kind of... evil... in fact. Then there was another one... though this memory was a little more hazy. Another brunette. But pouty.

Hmm.

He wandered around the strange building that they were incarcerated in. He'd found a lot of books in one but the last time he'd started to read the spines, Thera had called him away.

And whenever Thera called, Jonah ran.

So he wandered back into that room and turned his head to the side: "The Voluptuous Maiden", "Virgin Bride and Oil" and "Super-duper Hunky Hero".

Jonah wondered if these were some kind of technical books. As a foreman, he had of course read the necessary information required to mine a lot. In the  
dark. Though he couldn't remember actually reading them - he must have done it whilst mining which naturally meant he was extremely good at multi-tasking. However, the names didn't really seem to be that technical sounding.

He pulled down one of the books and raised his eyebrows slightly at the somewhat lurid picture on the front of a scantily dressed woman and a very muscley man. Nervously, he looked out into the hallway just to check to see if Thera was around. He wasn't sure she'd like what these people were wearing.

Jonah sat down in one of the chairs and opened the first page. Hopefully, this would take his mind off of having sex with Thera.

*

Thera was bored. Her plans for improving the small space heater weren't going terribly well. So far she'd pulled it apart, put it back together again, pulled it apart one more time and then put it back together again along with bits and pieces from the other machines in the room.

The space heater now gave off a lot more heat but it didn't seem to want to give any more food. But that was okay. She'd pulled a handle earlier on the previous day and found a cool space with lots of strangely wrapped food inside. There were some green things at the bottom which looked a little nasty, so she and Jonah hadn't touched them, but there were plenty of other things that were perfectly edible.

No oatmeal, though. Or bread. Which was a shame. She always liked it when Jonah got her bread for her. His hand would brush hers and...

She sighed and dropped down one of the handy tools she'd found in one of the drawers.

Jonah was really hot. Even in the weird clothes he was wearing. And she'd really quite like to have sex with him. Somehow that would _definitely_ improve her day. After all, there wasn't much work to be done around here and she wasn't used to it. The little space heater was nothing on running an entire power plant.

She stood up and walked into the room with the soft seating places. She didn't really like them - being so used to sleeping on cots and sitting on the ground, so she lowered herself onto the space in front of a large rectangular box with a shiny front and lots of buttons.

Thera liked buttons.

They made her want to go 'Ooooh'. And since no one else was making her go 'Ooooh' at the moment she decided it was time to press the buttons.

The first two did nothing. Which was a pity. But the last one...

She jumped back from the box and blinked at it.

'Oooooh," she said.

This was _way_ better than sex!

*

Things were pretty tedious back at the SGC. Janet was so not enjoying this equal attention thing that NID were enforcing on her in the infirmary. Every single person who came in with a problem was expected to be treated the same, be they from SG-1 or, you know, one of those other teams. Okay, okay, Janet had decided. That was fine. The other teams weren't SG-1, but at least they sometimes got screen time. It was the little people, the extras who only handed each other clipboards in the background, or stood in front of blinking scenery, that pissed her off.

She really didn't care about them.

"This is gonna hurt," she said dully as she applied antiseptic over a gashing wound.

Her patient - she hadn't even bothered to learn his name - writhed in agony on the floor (what was the point in messing up one of her militarily made beds?) and she sighed.

None of the others had the same magnificent pain barriers as SG-1

*sigh*

She missed SG-1. Obviously not DJ, because she got enough of him at home. But Teal'c, who had gone off to see his son. Or so she assumed. Whenever he wasn't around, she just figured he went off to Chulak. It was a really handy excu... reason. Reason. Yeah. And then there was...

"Holy shit! Sam! Jack!"

Janet ran out of the room on her tiny little legs, taking tiny little running leaps.

Airman what-his-name writhed on the floor in agony, waving his hand in the air. "Help me... please..." Then, because the strain of actually having a line was too much for him, he died.

So sad.

*

Jonah only got two chapters into the book before he flung it across the room. That was _not_ what he needed. 'Lusty?' 'Heaving?' 'Throbbing?!' Oh, he needed something all right. But that book wasn't it.

Wonder where Thera was?

Thera sat in front of the square box, transfixed. She had been planning to take it apart (anything to keep her busy) until she had pushed one of the buttons and it started telling her all about planets, space, and black holes. Incredible! She was so absorbed she didn't even hear Jonah come in.

"What's that?" Jonah asked, not especially caring. It was yet another machine and he was more interested in the person in front of the machine.

"Mmm...don't...know." Thera vaguely heard him sit down behind her. "Wow, this is so..."

Her attention shifted.

He was rubbing her neck. Slowly.

Funny. It wasn't really cold in the room.

"...interesting."

Jonah watched Thera move her head a bit. "Nice?" he asked.

"Very," she said huskily.

He didn't know why he was putting himself through this. Odds were he'd get another peck on the cheek. But here he was. Like an idiot. Damn that book!

*You know, I'd really like to feel your _lips_ on my neck.*

Jonah froze. Did she...? Huh? "What?"

Thera had a moment of panic. She didn't say that out loud, did she? No. There was no way. "I didn't say anything."

"Yeah, I think you did. Something about, uh, my lips?"

She slowly turned around, mortified. "I'm sorry. It'll never happen again. You've been so great this whole time and the last thing I wanted to do was make you uncomfortable."

Huh? Wha? This whole time she was... Wha?

"I won't let my personal feelings get in the way of our working relationship."

Working...?

Nuts to that!

Jonah grabbed her and kissed her, finally feeling her soft lips on his.

Although...her soft lips were kissing back pretty darn hard. And she was roughly pushing him back onto the furry floor. Hey, how did his shirt get up around his neck? Damn, she was good. Really, really good.

He let his hands roam. Down from her face. Over her smooth neck. Past her shoulders...

Suddenly, a flash of blinding white light filled the room and Jonah disappeared.

"Son of a bitch!" Thera yelled. After all, it seemed like the right thing to yell.

*

"It appears to me, sir, that due to Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter's deep telepathic bond, Sam somehow managed to mimic the Colonel's form of amnesia, reverting back to her 'Thera' persona. And from what I can tell in conversation with 'Thera', Colonel O'Neill reverted back in sympathy to 'Jonah'."

Hammond blinked at Janet.

DJ blinked at Janet.

Teal'c stared at her like she'd suddenly grown a hamster from her head.

Janet scowled. "What?! It was the best I could come up with given the short notice! Come on, give me a break."

Hammond cleared his throat. "Fine. Thank you, Doctor. That... idea... seems... no more unusual than Teal'c's symbiote being a frequent handy plot device."

Teal'c bowed his head. "Indeed," he said deeply.

DJ kinda wished he had a catch phrase. Teal'c had 'indeed'. Janet had 'needles' 'sedation' 'oh DJ I _love_ it when you do that'. Hammond had... well, no one really listened to him. Chevron guy had 'Chevron One engaged' and so on. He was beginning to feel left out. Sure, Jonas had his phrases and Daniel, too, but DJ didn't have any.

Deciding to cultivate some phrases, DJ pulled his notepad down onto his lap and began to scrawl some ideas down.

"So where is Major Carter now?"

"Oh, in one of the VIP quarters. With guards on the door," she added. She really didn't want this fic to go on any longer with some preposterous plot thread about Thera escaping and somehow managing to make it to the surface to wander around alone and confused.

"And where does she say Colonel O'Neill went?"

"She said he disappeared in a flash of white light," Teal'c said, looking down at his hands as he tried to have a thumb war with just himself. It was most difficult and not half as absorbing played by just him. "Which sounds reminiscent of the Asgard transport ray."

"Yeah," DJ said, looking up from his phrases. So far he had: 'I'm not slutty, I'm just friendly' and 'I never kiss on the first date. Okay, okay, I never kiss in the first hour'. "Sam seemed pretty pissed. Kept muttering 'son of a bitch!'"

Hammond nodded understandingly. "Thor does have impeccable timing."

"It is not as good as DanielJackson's," Teal'c pointed out.

"Hey, I... he....we never walked in on Sam and the Colonel," DJ protested hotly. "I only walked in on Sam and Narim _actually_. And once on Sam and Martouf holding hands or something. I would have thought everyone would be pleased at _my_ timing!"

Everyone ignored him.

DJ went back to scrawling his phrases on a notepad and swore he wouldn't talk at all during the rest of the mission.

Suddenly a bright white yadda yadda yadda filled the room and everyone gasped. Actually, no one did. They were all pretty much expecting it.

Colonel O'Neill sat up on top of the briefing room table and looked up at the ceiling - "Nice aiming there, Thor!" he yelled.

Thor was obviously too advanced to reply.

"Colonel O'Neill. Nice of you to join us," Hammond said, raising his eyebrows. "I take it you are restored to yourself?"

"Yeah." He slid off the table, a little self-conscious in his T-shirt and shorts. "Where's Sam?"

"In one of the VIP quarters," Janet said, leaning away from him as his smell wafted over towards her. "Perhaps a shower first?" She blinked away tears.

Jack lifted his arm and sniffed his armpit. "Bad?" he asked.

"YES!" they cried, fleeing the room.

*

Since the unnaturally small woman had left, Thera had taken apart the light source twice, fiddled with the strange heating source on the wall and fixed a broken spring on the base of the cot.

Then she twiddled her thumbs for a while.

She liked this place, she'd decided. There weren't any windows or skylights and it seemed to be relatively warm and even below ground. The colors weren't that bad either - grey mostly, with little touches of white. And the people, who she could see through the little glass portal on the door, wore much more clothing and in much more suitable colors.

It was a huge relief.

Lying on her cot, she stared up at the nicely grey ceiling and wondered why she was here. Perhaps it was something to do with Brenna. Maybe she'd taken on board Thera's suggestions and moved her to some kind of research unit. Strange that Brenna hadn't come to see her personally about it, though.

And what about Jonah? That bright white light had been a little freaky. Particularly since she couldn't find him afterwards. She had a strange feeling that happened a lot, which, strangely, seemed to comfort her. She knew he would return. Somehow. She'd just have to be patient.

When he came back, they could have sex.

Yay!

There was a noise outside and Thera would have said it happened 'suddenly' but things had been happening 'suddenly' a lot recently and she didn't want to overuse the word. She sat up and looked at the door. It swung open dramatically, revealing.....

"Hey, Sam," Jonah said.

She frowned at him. His hair was wet and he was wearing similar clothes to the people outside - green pants and a black top. He looked... oddly familiar. "Sam?" she queried.

"That's your name. Sam Carter." He walked into the room and crouched down in front of her, his face millimetres away from hers. "Sam.... Carter."

Sam.... Carter.

That sounded...

Wait...

Wait...

She smiled. "Sir," she whispered huskily.

Jack's eyes dilated with lust. "Oh, babe..." He leaned forward and kissed her.

Oh _yeah_ , Sam thought, pulling her husband on top of her. Damn, but he was hot.

Then, with impeccable timing, she gasped, and pushed him away. His mouth opened and closed with disappointment. "The triplets!" she yelled.

Janet ran into the room, desperate to be in the last scene. "Don't you remember, Sam? Cassie took them to see Mark. They're fine!"

"Whew," Sam said with maternal relief. "That's okay then."

Jack raised his eyebrows at her. "Um, Sam, can we....?" He nodded towards the bed.

 _"Make with the hot monkey love?"_ she suggested using their deep telepathic bond. _"Sure. So long as you get Janet out of the room."_

Janet scowled and walked out. "Okay, even I heard that one," she muttered, grabbing DJ by the shirt collar and dragging him after her.

Teal'c hovered in the hallway after closing the door to the VIP room, not sure what to do. Perhaps he would go to Chulak.

And in her room alone, Laira practiced her cackle, interspersing it with 'fair day' to see how evil an effect she could create. She was sure someone would remember where she was. After all, they'd left her with all this Jell-O....


End file.
